


operation gktbyfbstgotwshyetyilwhatwoeb

by storyop



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M, half textfic half text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 22:40:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14482755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storyop/pseuds/storyop
Summary: chanyeol launches operation “get kyungsoo to be your fake boyfriend so that girl on twitter will stop harassing you even though you’re in love with him and it will only end badly.” it does not end badly.





	operation gktbyfbstgotwshyetyilwhatwoeb

**Author's Note:**

> as requested, this is the fic version of the social media au i posted [here](https://twitter.com/ikun_co/status/973011588755214336). there are a few minor differences, like background ships and stuff
> 
> for jonghyun.

**king_loey** : so um

**king_loey** : dont like 

**king_loey** : run home or anything

**king_loey** : ur education is important 

 

**doksoo** : What did you do… 

 

**king_loey** : well

 

**doksoo** : Can you just give me a straight answer

 

**king_loey** : no im gay???? 

**king_loey** : but ill do my best for u :*

 

**doksoo** : CHANYEOL

 

**king_loey** : ok ok! 

**king_loey** : we were making dessert 

 

**doksoo** : We

**doksoo** : Oh no 

 

**king_loey** : yea me and 

**king_loey** : ummmm baekhyun

 

**dksoo** : Why did you let him in the kitchen

**dksoo** : I banned him for a reason

 

**king_loey** : yes i know but 

**king_loey** : i needed help and

**king_loey** : i didnt think hed be this stupid 

**king_loey** : which in hindsight . 

**king_loey** : my bad 

**king_loey** : there is no limit to baekhyun’s dumbassery 

 

**dksoo** : You still haven’t told me what happened 

 

**king_loey** : getting there

**king_loey** : so i wanted to make dessert

**king_loey** : for u actually 

**king_loey** : uve been working rlly hard 

**king_loey** : and u like chocolate 

 

**dksoo** : What’s your point 

 

**king_loey** : i told baek to melt some chocolate chips and he stuck them in the microwave for five minutes straight 

**king_loey** : they melted all right 

**king_loey** : theyre burnt in fact 

**king_loey** : and so is the microwave 

 

**dksoo** : Five minutes… 

 

**king_loey** : yes hes a 

**king_loey** : DOBBT LISTNE TO ANYTDNF HE SAYS

 

**dksoo** : Get off Chanyeol’s phone Baekhyun 

 

**king_loey** : sorry abt that

**king_loey** : anyway seriously dont run home or anything theres not really anything to worry about 

**king_loey** : just wanted to let u know so u wouldnt freak out when u smelled fire when u came back from class 

 

**dksoo** : Okay

**dksoo** : Thank you chanyeol 

 

**king_loey** : yes yes im amazing and u love me i know 

 

**dksoo** : <3

 

 

chanyeol has a certain knack for making bad decisions, but this might just be the icing on the large, messy cake he’s created over the years. although, to be fair, he hasn’t actually  _ done _ the thing yet—he could still wise up and back out, or kyungsoo could say no, and then he’d have to ask baekhyun or jongdae. neither of who are appealing choices, but they’re choices nevertheless.

“what if,” kyungsoo says from across the room, and chanyeol tears his gaze away from the ceiling to squint at the mass of blankets on kyungsoo’s bed. “what if we could… you know, feel? with our clothes?” 

“what?” chanyeol says, squinting more. maybe he’s dreaming all of this. maybe that blanket pile is really covering pillows instead of kyungsoo’s body and kyungsoo’s out in the middle of the night doing something dangerous and irresponsible like assassinating someone of importance. 

“like,” kyungsoo elaborates, “you know how we have the sense of touch? what if our clothes just… extended that?” his voice is muffled. “like... our clothes could touch too. does that make sense?” 

chanyeol lets out a soft breath. sometimes kyungsoo just says weird shit like that, but it translates well into his writing or whatever, and really who is chanyeol to judge when kyungsoo’s written a bestseller that he sees on the shelves every time he makes a trip to the local bookstore? “kyungsoo,” he says, “kyungsoo, doesn’t that defeat the whole point of clothing?”

there’s no answer, and chanyeol has to smile to himself—he can see kyungsoo’s face in his mind’s eye, clear as day, with his furrowed brows and a frown tugging at the corners of his mouth as he silently processes what chanyeol’s telling him. 

“guess you’re right,” kyungsoo eventually says, voice faint. 

“go to sleep, soo,” chanyeol murmurs, and the “okay” that comes from kyungsoo’s side of the room is nothing more than a soft exhale from kyungsoo’s lips but chanyeol hears it anyway, attuned as he is to everything that kyungsoo says or does.

 

 

jongdae’s left a sticky note on the fridge, a small blue thing that reads “pasta on the top shelf is mine!! please don’t eat :) make sure you drink lots of water today ily.” chanyeol squints down at it, still half asleep. 

“i’m not going to write science fiction, baekhyun,” kyungsoo is saying. he’s sitting at the counter, baekhyun opposite him, nibbling on a piece of toast. “i don’t want to be one of those authors that doesn’t know what they’re talking about, but like, i’m too lazy to research all this shit. science was  _ not  _ my strength in high school.”  

“you could ask chanyeol,” baekhyun replies, kicking chanyeol in the side of his leg with his socked foot. chanyeol drops into a fighting stance, spoon held like a sword in his hand. “terrifying.” 

“morning, sleepyhead,” kyungsoo says, smiling at him. “i’m gonna fall asleep if he starts talking about string theory or whatever.” 

“intergalactic romances don’t require knowledge of string theory,” chanyeol says. “if you were, say, to write a romance between an earthling and a venusian—”

“would venusians even look like us?” baekhyun interrupts. “what if they have wheels for legs and wings for eyes?” 

“for  _ eyes _ ?” kyungsoo asks, incredulous.

“well, no they wouldn’t,” chanyeol says. he grabs for the milk, only to find the carton empty. “baek _ hyun _ ? did you drink the last of the milk?” 

“actually, it was jongdae,” baekhyun says, even though he’s clearly still halfway through a bowl of cereal. there’s a milk mustache over his upper lip, and chanyeol tosses a napkin at his face. 

“there you go, then,” kyungsoo says. “i am not writing weird fucking alien sex. yeol, you can have the last piece of my toast.” 

“like that katy perry song,” baekhyun muses. 

“you’re so unhelpful,” kyungsoo mutters. baekhyun gives him an affronted look, and chanyeol chuckles as he reaches hesitantly for the buttered toast on kyungsoo’s plate. “yes, chanyeol, i’m sure i’m not going to eat it. when have i ever given up food out of the goodness of my heart?”

“maybe i’d be more helpful if you let me beta your work or something,” baekhyun suggests. 

“why on god’s green earth would i do that,” kyungsoo says flatly, “especially considering i already have two professional betas?” 

“if you’re looking for a plot idea,” chanyeol says through a mouthful of butter and bread, “why don’t you write about us?”

“huh?” baekhyun says. 

“sure, i mean,” chanyeol says, “just change around our names or something and you’ll have the story of a struggling author being constantly pestered by his best friend to let him be more involved in his work and being constantly  _ supported _ by his other best friend, who is tall and handsome and—”

“no,” kyungsoo says. “since when was i a  _ struggling _ author?” 

chanyeol sighs, shoving the last bit of toast into his mouth. “fair enough.” 

“okay but why don’t  _ i _ classify as tall and handsome,” baekhyun says. 

“maybe ‘cause you’re neither?” chanyeol replies, snorting, and gets another kick in the leg for his trouble.

 

 

**seokitup** : well seok my dick

 

[ **king_loey** _has left the chat_ ]

[ **dksoo** _has left the chat_ ]

[ **honeybyun** _ has left the chat _ ]

[ **notsehun** _has left the chat_ ]

[ **jondgay** _has left the chat_ ]

[ **niniballerini** _has left the chat_ ]

[ **yixeep** _has left the chat_ ]

 

**bunmyeon** : MINSEOK THAT WAS REALLY FUNNY

 

**seokitup** : yeah

**seokitup** : thanks 

 

[ **seokitup** _has added_ **jondgay** ]

 

**seokitup** : how dare you 

**seokitup** : i thought we were friends

 

**jondgay** : i thought i was your wife

 

**bunmyeon** : i thought he was your dad

 

**seokitup** : what

 

**jondgay** : what

 

[ **jondgay** _has added_ **honeybyun** ]

 

**jondgay** : help

 

**honeybyun** : what up i’m baekhyun i’m 19 and i never fucking learned how to read 

 

**bunmyeon** : well? is he your dad or your wife?

 

**honeybyun** : what

 

[ **jondgay** _has added_ **king_loey** ]

 

**king_loey** : why

**king_loey** : im trying to study

 

**honeybyun** : does your definition of studying include stalking kyungsoo’s twitter

 

**king_loey** : yeah?? im  working on getting a degree in the science of kyungsoology?? 

 

**honeybyun** : it’s more like an art

 

**jondgay** : seriously am i your wife or your dad

 

**king_loey** : what? 

 

**seokitup** : well you’re nothing to me now

 

[ **honeybyun** _has added_ **niniballerini** ]

 

**honeybyun** : hey baby the kids are fighting

 

**niniballerini** : what did mongryong do this time

 

**honeybyun** : not those kids 

**honeybyun** : and why did you immediately assume it would be mongryong’s fault! 

 

**bunmyeon** : oh boy 

 

**jondgay** : all because i didn’t laugh at your terrible joke? 

**jondgay** : if it makes you feel any better i don’t laugh at junmyeon’s either

 

**bunmyeon** : excuse you i have top tier humor?

 

**niniballerini** : my monggu would not do anything wrong. ever. 

 

**seokitup** : i’m never forgiving you for this

 

[ **king_loey** _has added_ **dksoo** ]

 

**dksoo** : No.

 

**jondgay** : i’ll buy you ice cream 

 

**king_loey** : junmyeon ur jokes suck

 

**seokitup** : alright forgiven 

**seokitup** : thanks best friend xx 

 

**jondgay** : you’re welcome xx 

 

**honeybyun** : MY MONGRYONG IS THE PUREST MOST WONDERFUL DOG ON THE PLANET THANK YOU VERY MUCH

**honeybyun** : anyway

**honeybyun** : so yeol how’s your degree on kyungsoology coming along

**honeybyun** : making any progress?

 

[ **dksoo** _has left the chat_ ]

 

**king_loey** : BAEKHYUN

 

**bunmyeon** : did you block him out…

 

**jondgay** : in the face of a gay crisis

**jondgay** : he panicked 

 

**seokitup** : here’s a thought. you tell him you’re in love with him 

 

**king_loey** : here’s a thought 

**king_loey** : i suffer in silence forever 

**king_loey** : it’s more dramatic that way

**king_loey** : feel like it would appeal to his writer sensibilities more

 

**seokitup** : and i feel like your logic is flawed

**seokitup** : maybe it’s just me

 

**bunmyeon** : everyone already knows…

**bunmyeon** : except kyungsoo

**bunmyeon** : somehow 

 

**honeybyun** : soo couldn’t see a crush if it came up to him and pulled its pants down in front of him

**honeybyun** : cause he’s got the worst fucking astigmatism 

 

**niniballerini** : what kind of analogy

**niniballerini** : you absolute weirdo 

 

**honeybyun** : i’m weird. 

**honeybyun** : i’m a weirdo. 

**honeybyun** : i don’t fit in.

**honeybyun** : have you ever seen me

**honeybyun** : uh

**honeybyun** : something about a hat 

 

**king_loey** : thanks for your advice! let’s never do this again 

 

[ **king_loey** _has added_ **dksoo** ]

 

**king_loey** : sorry about that haha not sure what happened 

 

**dksoo** : Can you pick up some milk we’re out 

 

**king_loey** : oshit yea 

**king_loey** : btw i need help with this homework i’ll call you 

 

**dksoo** : Okay 

 

**honeybyun** : awww

**honeybyun** : wait why are you calling soo he’s dum

**honeybyun** : i can help 

**honeybyun** : i am an intellectual

 

[ **niniballerini** _has added_ **yixeep** ]

[ **niniballerini** _has added_ **notsehun** ]

 

**notsehun** : that is the last dramatic exit i make

 

**yixeep** : two seconds back in this chat and you’re already lying out of your ass 

 

**notsehun** : to be fair its a great ass 

 

**honeybyun** : true

 

**niniballerini** : hey?

 

**honeybyun** : don’t you hey me

**honeybyun** : you don’t have an ass at all

**honeybyun** : and i still make an effort to grab what i can 

 

**niniballerini** : wow

**niniballerini** : let’s have a talk

 

**notsehun** : im already reconsidering my no more dramatic exits resolution

 

**yixeep** : is reconsidering even a word

 

 

“why,” kyungsoo says with a groan, head in his hands, “did i agree to live with you people.” 

“movie nights are good for the soul,” baekhyun answers. “like chicken soup. also, honestly, i have no clue. chanyeol’s the one who convinced you into it.” he’s not kidding; their apartment has a rule that every weekend, the four of them will sit down no matter what and watch a movie together. there’s not much actual  _ watching _ because it just ends up being them talking over the movie and each other, but it’s a nice bonding exercise courtesy of jongdae. 

“i have homework,” kyungsoo says. 

chanyeol snickers. “when have  _ you _ ever been interested in doing homework? genuinely curious.”

“no, we are  _ not _ watching zootopia again,” jongdae says, grabbing the remote from chanyeol, who lets out a small noise of distress. “or interstellar. stop it.” 

“but,” chanyeol says, then promptly gives up. they take turns picking movies and chanyeol always suggests one of those two, jongdae always says he wants to watch a disney movie, and baekhyun always wants to watch something with a lot of blood and gore. kyungsoo, on the other hand, likes foreign films and noir and old black-and-white silent pictures.

“don’t  _ you _ have homework?” kyungsoo asks chanyeol. he’s sitting in the corner of the sofa, a bowl of popcorn held reluctantly in his lap. he looks tired and a lot stressed out. “you’re the one getting a degree in some high level science bullshit.” 

“and yet,” baekhyun says, scrolling merrily through the netflix menu, “he’s the only one out of all of us who believes in that astrology crap. the daily horoscopes are not fun, dude.” 

“it’s ‘cause you guys are earth signs,” chanyeol says sagely. “i wanna watch a disney movie.” 

“what the fuck does that even mean,” kyungsoo says. “i vote hercules.” 

“hercules is a perversion of the original greek mythos,” baekhyun protests. “zeus is not some kind father figure doting on his beautiful chubby baby boy, he’s the one who fucked everything in the entire ancient greek world up because he couldn’t keep it in his pants—” 

“how come you go at chanyeol for liking astrology and then you’re so far up mythology’s ass that you hate on a disney film with an  _ amazing _ soundtrack,” jongdae says. 

“hey, just ‘cause you got something for megara doesn’t mean—”

chanyeol scoots over to kyungsoo, who’s watching baekhyun and jongdae bicker with that fond amusement that appears on his face sometimes. it’s one of his expressions chanyeol especially loves, along with the one where he wakes up when chanyeol’s alarm goes off and kicks the side of chanyeol’s bed until he’s awake too. “you alright?” 

“just stressed,” kyungsoo says softly. “my publisher wants an outline by the end of next week and i don’t even have an  _ idea _ yet. maybe i should retire.” 

“one hit wonder do kyungsoo, huh?” chanyeol teases. “whatever you decide to do, i’m with you.” 

“i know,” kyungsoo says, lips twitching. he lays his head onto chanyeol’s shoulder and chanyeol counts his breaths. “thanks.” 

“um,” chanyeol says. “can i ask you something? you can… you can  _ totally _ say no, and if you do, i understand, but then i’ll have to ask baekhyun or jongdae, and i don’t really  _ want _ to ask either of them because they’re… well, you know. they’re them.” 

“i’m not going to pretend to be your fiancé so your grandmother will stop trying to set you up with blind dates,” kyungsoo says, and chanyeol gapes. “or, well, i won’t do it unless you give me something real good for it.” he rubs circles into his tummy; chanyeol watches the motion of his hand, transfixed. 

“well,” chanyeol says, “actually, um. it’s... similar?” 

kyungsoo lifts his head, eyebrow raised. “what?” 

“well, it’s not like a—like a real life thing,” chanyeol explains. “none of the grandma fake date stuff—wouldn’t work anyway because my mom would never buy  _ us _ being in a fake relationship—”

“wait,” kyungsoo says, “what do you mean it’s not like a real life thing?” 

“is moana good?” jongdae yells. 

“moana is always good!” chanyeol yells back. “well, so. i keep getting these dms from random people i don’t even know asking if i can date them—”

“oh, poor you,” kyungsoo says drily. 

“it’s not like i’m complaining, really, i’m flattered and all but,” chanyeol says, “there’s been this—this one girl, named yeonhee or whatever, and she’s… and she’s been harassing me?” 

“did you try blocking her?”

“i did, yeah,” chanyeol says, hugging a pillow. kyungsoo puts his hand on chanyeol’s knee. “but her mutuals—they flooded my dms, said she was sorry and i should give her a second chance and i was like okay, yeah, that’s fine but then she… she wouldn’t stop so i blocked her  _ again _ and this time her friends were attacking me and they’re all fucking weird, you know? i’m not even that attractive—”

“sure you are,” kyungsoo says, patting his knee, and chanyeol almost goes into cardiac arrest. “but where do i come in?”

“so i told her i’m gay,” chanyeol says. “which, not a lie. but she didn’t believe me, so… i told her i had a boyfriend. which  _ is  _ a lie. and now i need a fake boyfriend.”

“this sounds like you ripped it straight off of a fanfic plotline,” kyungsoo says, but his voice is edged with amusement. “hey. if it’s an online thing where i fake being your boyfriend on twitter until she lets up and stops bothering you, i’m cool with it. besides,” he says, almost like an afterthought, “if i changed my audience just a little i could swing making this the plot for  _ my _ story. what better than an insider’s view on the ever so popular fake dating au?” 

chanyeol swallows. “yeah, well. it’s definitely better than venusian-earthling sexcapades. how’d you come up with that one anyway?”

“first of all,” kyungsoo says, “you were the one who brought up venusians.” chanyeol is acutely aware of kyungsoo’s hand resting on his thigh, small and warm and solid. “it was baekhyun that wanted a sci-fi story—he watched one too many episodes of cosmos and read that book about the doppelgängers on the moon and he’s obsessed. his last episode was on the theories about the moon landing being a hoax.” 

laughing, chanyeol says, “yeah, makes sense.” baekhyun gets like that sometimes—he runs a podcast on debunking conspiracy theories, everything from roswell to the reptilians popularized by david icke, and when he gets ahold of a thread of them he tugs until it all collapses around him. chanyeol has no clue why anyone would tune in to listen to baekhyun of all people babble—he gets enough of that at home, thanks—but baekhyun has a way with people the way kyungsoo has a way with words and chanyeol has a way with numbers and jongdae has a way with musical notes. “i bet he’s going to start tugging on  _ my _ sleeve soon.

“your fault for being smart,” kyungsoo says. chanyeol runs his tongue over his teeth, grinning, and kyungsoo pats his knee again. 

“about the…” chanyeol hesitates, looking down at kyungsoo’s hand. it’s not like he’s a stranger to holding it—he’s definitely grabbed it enough times when the four of them have them tried watching horror movies, kyungsoo shooting him a bemused look over the bowl of popcorn the two of them always share. (sometimes jongin comes over, but he’s worse with horror than chanyeol is and somehow ends up in baekhyun’s lap every time and then the rest of them have to listen to baekhyun griping about how heavy jongin’s “bony ass” is.) “every fake dating fic i’ve ever read—which, to be fair isn’t a lot because i totally got turned off from reading fic after reading a paragraph of that one awful ryden fic—what was it called…” — _ don’t bring up your pseudo-emo days, chanyeol, your haircut was abominable and you looked like a walking cliché _ — “my point is, they always end up together.”

kyungsoo is silent for a long moment, watching the screen. “well,” he says eventually, turning his gaze to chanyeol, “isn’t that where the fun is?” 

 

 

**king_loey** : WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN

 

**seokitup** : stop yelling

**seokitup** : also idk man i’m not even in a relationship 

**seokitup** : i can’t be your guy whisperer

 

**king_loey** : wait ur not

**king_loey** : i thought u and jongdae were dating?

 

**seokitup** : what

**seokitup** : why does everyone think that

 

**king_loey** : i mean ur the one who said hes like ur wife 

 

**seokitup** : yeah cause he 

**seokitup** : wait wasn’t this about you 

 

**king_loey** : ur right

**king_loey** : this is about me 

**king_loey** : what do i do 

 

**seokitup** : so lemme get this straight 

**seokitup** : haha 

 

**king_loey** : seriously? 

 

**seokitup** : you’re in love with kyungsoo

**seokitup** : and you asked him to be your fake boyfriend 

**seokitup** : and then you said something about how in fanfic character a and character b always end up together when they fake date 

**seokitup** : which we are not in 

**seokitup** : a fic i mean 

**seokitup** : and then he said something vague 

**seokitup** : and now you don’t know what to do 

**seokitup** : why would you even bring that up 

 

**king_loey** : well when u put it that way i sound kinda stupid

 

**seokitup** : you said it not me

 

**king_loey** : hey i graduated top of my class

**king_loey** : okay second in my class 

**king_loey** : its cause jimin was always better than me at physics…. 

**king_loey** : stupid physics

 

**seokitup** : do i care about your high school failures 

**seokitup** : wait aren’t you doing a physics related career

**seokitup** : not relevant

**seokitup** : maybe you should ask baekhyun 

**seokitup** : he actually has experience with boys

**seokitup** : and girls 

**seokitup** : two birds with one stone 

 

**king_loey** : u want me to ask baekhyun?

**king_loey** : baekhyun. 

**king_loey** : never 

 

 

**king_loey** : baekhyun i need ur help 

 

**honeybyun** : no wait me first

**honeybyun** : do you think i could pass as the lost dauphin

 

**king_loey** : ??? the lost dolphin ???

**king_loey** : jklslk what…. 

 

**honeybyun** : no not dolphin the 

**honeybyun** : why would i

**honeybyun** : never mind

**honeybyun** : you know when the french revolted and marie antoinette got her head chop chopped 

**honeybyun** : she had a son right

**honeybyun** : and he got locked up in this tower thing

**honeybyun** : and then he died 

**honeybyun** : or did he 

**honeybyun** : the truth is i’m him 

**honeybyun** : i’m royalty 

 

**king_loey** : but u dont look white

**king_loey** : also wasnt that like a century ago 

 

**honeybyun** : i’ll dye my hair blond

**honeybyun** : and buy blue contacts 

**honeybyun** : and glue on a beard 

 

**king_loey** : but u still wont look white…

 

**honeybyun** : okay you’re right 

**honeybyun** : who wants to be white anyway 

 

**king_loey** : tbh

**king_loey** : anyway focus 

**king_loey** : i have a problem 

 

**honeybyun** : you always have problems 

**honeybyun** : is this a kyungsoo problem

 

**king_loey** : yea i asked him to be my fake boyfriend 

 

**honeybyun** : LMAO

**honeybyun** : wait are you serious 

**honeybyun** : wtf 

**honeybyun** : why would you do that 

**honeybyun** : wait is this cause of yeonhee or whatever her name was 

 

**king_loey** : its not THAT bad 

**king_loey** : i just feel like maybe it was slightly a kind of bad decision 

**king_loey** : and yea :/

 

**honeybyun** : you should listen to your intuition

**honeybyun** : hey why didn’t you ask me 

**honeybyun** : i’m an incredible actor???? 

 

**king_loey** : you were gonna be my third choice 

**king_loey** : does that make u feel better

 

**honeybyun** : THIRD

**honeybyun** : YOU WERE GONNA ASK JONGDAE BEFORE ME 

**honeybyun** : ME, YOUR BESTEST FRIEND EVER 

 

**king_loey** : no

**king_loey** : jongdae’s seventh

 

**honeybyun** : THEN WHOS SECOND

 

**king_loey** : dont yell at me bitch

**king_loey** : this is why ur third 

**king_loey** : junmyeon 

**king_loey** : duh?

 

**honeybyun** : i’m speechless 

**honeybyun** : you would’ve picked kim junmyeon before me 

**honeybyun** : okay i know he’s an acting major or whatever 

**honeybyun** : but still 

**honeybyun** : i will never forget this injustice 

**honeybyun** : you’ve insulted my very being 

 

**king_loey** : i thought u said u were speechless 

**king_loey** : look thats not the point 

**king_loey** : why did i ask u for help again 

 

**honeybyun** : okay okay i’ll help 

**honeybyun** : just 

**honeybyun** : tell me who fourth and fifth and sixth are… 

 

**king_loey** : ?? jongin 

**king_loey** : and sehun

**king_loey** : and minseok

**king_loey** : why does it matter

 

**honeybyun** : your true loyalties are showing that’s why 

**honeybyun** : why isn’t yixing higher he’s sweet 

 

**king_loey** : baekhyun… 

 

**honeybyun** : just answer the question i’m dying of curiosity

**honeybyun** : it’s like this 

**honeybyun** : fire inside me 

 

**king_loey** : i think thats indigestion 

**king_loey** : yixing is woefully straight  

 

**honeybyun** : yeah no he’s not 

**honeybyun** : no straight guy says and i quote

**honeybyun** : “he’s hot i’d totally date him if i was a girl but you know. it’s too bad i’m not” 

**honeybyun** : i used to say that shit when i thought i was straight 

**honeybyun** : moment of silence for that unfortunate period of my life 

**honeybyun** : okay moment over 

**honeybyun** : does this move him up your list 

 

**king_loey** : no 

**king_loey** : does it even matter i already asked soo

**king_loey** : which is kinda the point 

**king_loey** : that we are continuously failing to address

 

**honeybyun** : why junmyeon

**honeybyun** : of all people

 

**king_loey** : hes my fav soft gay 

 

**honeybyun** : and i must be bbh 

**honeybyun** : byour bisexual hprince 

**honeybyun** : ok now. kyungsoo 

 

**king_loey** : thank u. 

 

**honeybyun** : i hate to be the voice of reason but i’m friends with you so i gotta be 

**honeybyun** : you should tell him 

**honeybyun** : he’s not gonna rip your head off?? right 

**honeybyun** : listen the worst that’ll happen is he won’t return your feelings and you’ll cry into your ice cream and it’ll be terribly awkward every time i come home and the two of you are there 

**honeybyun** : oh 

 

**king_loey** : thats the last time i listen to minseok 

**king_loey** : because u r most definitely not helping 

 

**honeybyun** : i can’t be perfect at everything 

**honeybyun** : but i still stand by what i said 

**honeybyun** : even though the other outcome is he feels the same way and then the two of you are disgusting and lovey dovey right in front of my poor virgin eyes 

 

**king_loey** : ur poor whafjdkj

 

**honeybyun** : hmm clearly the best and only option for me here is to kick you out 

 

+

 

despite baekhyun’s less than stellar advice-giving skills and his strange obsession with conspiracy theories, he remains firmly in his place as one of chanyeol’s closest friends. he’s loud and a little scatterbrained and perhaps too much like chanyeol himself; they get into frequent arguments over the dumbest things that either kyungsoo or jongdae have to intervene in—which usually means they’re called stupid and told to use some common sense. 

jongdae, on the other hand, is so outwardly  _ nice _ that chanyeol is sure he goes to the same  _ be polite and kind to everyone 101 _ classes junmyeon goes to, hidden somewhere on the campus he and his argumentative ass have never been able to find. back in high school he’d left a nice note in baekhyun and chanyeol’s lockers every monday (what teenage boy does that?) and even now there are friendly reminders to eat and drink water scattered around the house. it’s not like it stops with the humans, either—jongdae is a hell of an environmentalist and he’s the head of the “go green” club (or… whatever it’s called) at their college. chanyeol recycles and everything (with prodding from jongdae, of course) but he figures as a future scientist he’s doing a pretty shoddy job letting jongdae show him up like this.

but if chanyeol  _ really _ thinks about it—which he is, he’s really thinking about it—jongdae isn’t the sweet, innocent figure everyone assumes him to be. chanyeol has a habit of slamming doors open (according to yixing, who has a habit of psychoanalyzing, it has to do with his need to be recognized or something like that) and  _ someone _ had once duct-taped an airhorn up as a door wall protector. jongdae had denied it, of course, lips curling up into a disarming smile, so chanyeol had just turned around and blamed baekhyun for it. 

baekhyun had, in turn, said it was obviously chanyeol and he was just trying to deflect blame from himself because it was such a childish prank and of course everyone would think baekhyun had done it. eventually kyungsoo stepped in and said they all better shut up and they all listen to kyungsoo so they’d shut up. and for a while it was all calm, until baekhyun discovered someone had replaced his hand sanitizer with lube.

“don’t sit on me,” kyungsoo says, and chanyeol does a full 180 before looking down to the couch where he was about to plant his ass. kyungsoo’s sitting there wrapped in blankets with only his face visible. “what are you thinking so hard about?” 

“please don’t kick me out,” chanyeol blurts, and kyungsoo furrows his eyebrows. he has thick eyebrows, dark and expressive. like his eyes. 

“of course we’re not kicking you out,” kyungsoo reassures him. “you spend so much time at the gym it makes carrying in groceries that much easier.” 

“thanks?” chanyeol slides in beside kyungsoo, hugging an arm around the blankets kyungsoo’s wrapped in. this is the way he sleeps, too, and chanyeol has an inkling that kyungsoo is really clingy in bed but he doesn’t let his mind go down that path all too much because that can only spell out disaster for his poor gay heart. “what exactly are you doing?” 

“you know how when caterpillars become butterflies they go into that cocoon thing,” kyungsoo answers. “well, i am now an ugly caterpillar and hopefully when i emerge from this stage i’ll be a beautiful butterfly. one who can actually write. it’s science.” 

“i don’t think that’s how science works,” chanyeol says, patting the top of kyungsoo’s head. “but who am i to say.

kyungsoo pulls the blanket from over his head, hair disheveled. chanyeol really wants to kiss him. “how’s the stuff with yeonhee going? has she let up yet?” 

“yeah,” chanyeol says, smiling. “thanks again for that.” he’d been more firm with yeonhee the second time around, tweeting vaguely about kyungsoo a few times before casually dropping his handle into their conversation. she’d backed off somewhat—thankfully, the casual  _ i love you _ s were a fixture of internet relationships and the nine of them had definitely done their fair share of confessing their love to each other. of course chanyeol’s  _ i love you _ s weren’t strictly in the platonic camp, but that was for him to know and kyungsoo to remain frustratingly oblivious to. 

“she interrogated me,” kyungsoo says. chanyeol gives him a wide-eyed look, and kyungsoo rolls his eyes. “relax, i just told her we were in denial for the longest time before kissing under the mistletoe on christmas which inadvertently brought out our suppressed feelings. romantic, isn’t it? thought it fit the situation.” 

“man, i’m sorry—”

“oh, no, don’t apologize,” kyungsoo says, “it was good material.” his lips twitch into a smile. “i told her about how we knew each other as kids and everything. not a lot of embellishment there. just uncharacteristic gushing about how cute you are.” chanyeol can see it in his head right now—his tombstone,  _ cause of death: do kyungsoo _ printed neatly on the marble. 

technically, chanyeol has known kyungsoo the longest. they were friends up until they were about seven, when kyungsoo’s parents got a job in a different city and had to pack up and move. it had caused quite the dramatic, touching scene (a lot of tears on chanyeol’s part, especially), and then they’d mostly forgotten about each other—until chanyeol had recognized his old buddy kyungsoo, who’d seen him in diapers and systematically destroyed all the castles he had built in that sandbox, and how could he not ask him to live with the three of them? kyungsoo hadn’t recognized him immediately the way chanyeol had, but he doesn’t blame him—seven year old chanyeol had been fat and ferreted, a far cry from the rather good-looking man (he  _ does  _ say so himself) he is today. 

_ nice job, chanyeol _ , he thinks, giving himself a mental pat on the back.  _ you managed to pull this off without it blowing up too dramatically in your face _ . they hadn’t gotten together either, but hey. he’s not about to push his luck. 

“can i ask you something?” kyungsoo says out of the blue. “why’d you… you know. out of all of us, why’d you pick me to do it?” 

and this, chanyeol realizes, is the other shoe dropping. his options all sound pretty terrible—he could make up something flimsy like oh, you know, you’re amazing and perfect and good at acting and junmyeon is too far away although he would’ve been a solid second choice, which is true but it’s still omitting the sort of important fact that chanyeol is head over heels for him and if kyungsoo doesn’t feel the same way then hey, he dodged a bullet but—but what if he does? he knows how this goes; he thinks kyungsoo doesn’t return his feelings and kyungsoo uses this as a confirmation that chanyeol doesn’t return  _ his _ feelings, and then they’re both in love with each other and too stupid to figure it out. or chanyeol  _ does _ tell him he’s in love with him, which right off the bat is fucking terrifying, and then baekhyun kicks him out whether or not kyungsoo reciprocates. 

“why are you thinking so hard?” kyungsoo asks, extracting a hand from his cocoon so he can smack chanyeol on the arm. “just tell me.” he pouts a little. chanyeol sees the gates of heaven open in front of him. “it’s for, you know, research. for my book.” 

“research,” chanyeol says faintly. he needs more time to run through his options. he needs to make a list of pros and cons for each and—

“what’s up,” baekhyun says, somehow squeezing into the tiny space between chanyeol and kyungsoo. chanyeol has never been so grateful for his tendency to insert himself unasked into situations lacking the  _ byun baekhyun touch _ , as he so calls it. “why do you suppose flat-earthers still exist?” 

“what?” kyungsoo says. 

“you know,” baekhyun says. “they think the earth is flat. not round. even though it’s round.” 

“the earth is round?” kyungsoo asks, deadpan, and baekhyun sticks his tongue out at him. 

“you shouldn’t joke about that,” chanyeol says solemnly. “some people who know you might take you seriously.” 

“what,” kyungsoo says, “does that mean.” 

“he’s trying to say that sounds like something you’d actually believe,” baekhyun says helpfully. “i know your secret, kyungsoo. i know you flunked out of the second grade.” 

“i make more money than the two of you—plus jongdae—combined,” kyungsoo says, pulling the blanket back over his head and snickering. 

“and you are truly admirable,” baekhyun answers. 

“because people love to ignore science and love conspiracy theories just as much,” chanyeol says. “they also love knowing they’re right and that other people are stupid. why do you think your podcast is so popular, baekhyun?” 

“because of my wit and charm,” baekhyun says immediately. “i could talk about… oh, i don’t know, broccoli for an hour twice a week and the people would eat it up, no pun intended.” 

“right,” kyungsoo says. 

baekhyun puts his arms around his blanket cocoon, resting his chin on kyungsoo’s shoulder. “you’re so warm. how long have you been in here? is this some secret writer’s ritual?” 

“hey,” jongdae says, and they all turn their heads to look at his disappointed face, framed in the doorway of their living room. “we’re having a cuddle session and no one invited me?”

“did you get a  _ haircut _ ?” baekhyun gasps, neither apologizing nor moving from his spot where he’s currently wrapped around kyungsoo like a sloth on a tree branch. “without telling me?”

“what, was i supposed to have asked for your permission first?” jongdae says, planting his ass on chanyeol’s lap. 

“maybe you should’ve asked permission before sitting here,” chanyeol grumbles. “there’s plenty of space beside me.” 

“yeah, but we’re cuddling,” jongdae says. “can i tell you guys about my day? because holy shit, did i have a day.” 

“oh, so now you’re asking permission,” baekhyun says, and kyungsoo lets out a long groan. 

“so,” jongdae says, ignoring them, “minseok and i were—”

“spooning,” baekhyun suggests. “wait, which one of you is the big spoon?” 

“it’s obviously minseok,” kyungsoo says. “wait, can you all get off me for a second so i can take these blankets off? it’s getting too hot.” 

“the beautiful kyungsoo butterfly is finally ready to emerge,” chanyeol says, drumrolling on jongdae’s thighs, and they all let out cheers when kyungsoo finally gets rid of all the blankets surrounding him. he glares at them, glasses knocked a little awry, then picks baekhyun up and settles him back in his lap. 

“are you all done,” jongdae says patiently. “minseok and i were—” 

“on a date,” baekhyun says. jongdae leans over to pull at his ear. “okay, sorry. i’m actually done now. continue.” 

“minseok and i were out shopping for his mom’s birthday,” jongdae says, “when we saw this really cute frozen yogurt place and you know me, i love frozen yogurt, so i convinced minseok to stop there for a bit and we had frozen yogurt—”

“you are so bad at telling stories,” baekhyun says. “frozen yogurt. we get it.” 

“didn’t you say you were done,” jongdae says. “anyway, so we go in there and everything is pink and green and blue and bright and happy and we’re standing in line minding our own business talking about king and minseok said something about getting another cat and naming her queen and i said, wait a second, i’ve wanted to get a cat for so long, too, so why don’t i get the cat and name her queen and then you can have king and i’ll have queen?” baekhyun is staring at him and jongdae is studiously ignoring it. “there were these other two guys behind us, right, and at first we didn’t think anything about it because they were just there. standing behind us.” 

“if i wrote the way you talked, my editor would block me every-fucking-where and i’d never be allowed to speak to her or her children or her children’s children ever again,” kyungsoo says. “my future kids would probably also be banned. you guys would be banned too. and your kids. and your grandkids.” 

“then they started talking about how they’d just gotten out of jail,” jongdae says, “and frankly, that’s so much more interesting than minseok’s cat crisis—which you are under no circumstances whatsoever to tell him i said that—so we just kinda eavesdropped on them and it turns out it was just for littering.  _ littering _ .”

“i bet that tugged right at your heartstrings,” kyungsoo says, and chanyeol has to stifle a laugh into the back of jongdae’s shirt. he smells like lemon and minseok. 

“wait, you can get arrested for littering?” baekhyun asks. “i thought you just had to pay a fine or whatever.” 

“that’s not the  _ point _ ,” jongdae protests. 

“so then what did you do?” baekhyun says loudly. 

“then we shopped some more,” jongdae says, shrugging. “and then i got him ice cream so he’d stop being mad at him for not laughing at his terrible joke like i said i would.” 

“yes, because he was clearly so mad at you,” chanyeol says. “but tell us what we really want to know: did you get anything good for his mom?” 

“yeah, actually,” jongdae says. a grin is spreading across his face, in tandem with the burst of affection chanyeol feels in his chest. high school had been bumpy for a freshly teenaged chanyeol, and it wasn’t until he’d met jongdae and baekhyun that things had seemed to just fall into place. college had brought the final missing puzzle piece, kyungsoo, and junmyeon and jongin and minseok and sehun and yixing besides. 

 

 

**honeybyun** : i wanna do something special for october 13

 

**notsehun** : halloween?

**notsehun** : wait

 

**king_loey** : why whats october 13

**king_loey** : sehun u walnut

 

**notsehun** : walnut 

 

**jondgay** : walnuts are the superior nut

 

**honeybyun** : no they’re not

 

**king_loey** : no theyre not

 

**seokitup** : no they’re not 

 

**yixeep** : no they’re not 

 

**bunmyeon** : no they’re not 

 

**notsehun** : wait i wanna hear what he has to say 

 

**dksoo** : Baekhyun what’s October 13

 

**jondgay** : walnuts are so good for your health you guys 

**jondgay** : they lower your ldl and raise your hdl 

 

**notsehun** : wahts that 

 

**king_loey** : bio stuff

 

**honeybyun** : october 13 is world skeptics day 

**honeybyun** : so it is my duty 

**honeybyun** : my obligation

**honeybyun** : to do something special that day 

**honeybyun** : but i don’t know what 

 

**yixeep** : i love walnuts 

 

**seokitup** : i lo

 

**bunmyeon** : what 

 

**dksoo** : What 

 

**king_loey** : gays i think he got abducted by aliens 

**king_loey** : *guys

 

**honeybyun** : what kind of future astrophysicist are you 

 

**king_loey** : the moon landing was fake baekhyun just admit it 

 

**seokitup** : jongdae took my phone 

**seokitup** : something about censorship 

**seokitup** : which is absolutely hilarious coming from him 

 

**honeybyun** : you’re wrong 

**honeybyun** : the truth is 

**honeybyun** : the moon is fake 

 

**dksoo** : Wasn’t Jongdae the one who replaced Baekhyun’s hand sanitizer with lube 

 

**niniballerini** : hello i’m here what are we talking about 

 

**notsehun** : someone teach kyungsoo to turn his automatic capitalization off 

**notsehun** : it hurts my eyes 

 

**honeybyun** : hi sweetie we’re talking about the moon

**honeybyun** : and walnuts

**honeybyun** : and lube

 

**king_loey** : tf do u mean the moon is fake 

 

**jondgay** : i did nothing of the sort 

 

**niniballerini** : walnuts are yummy

 

**honeybyun** : according to my extensive research 

**honeybyun** : the moon is actually a man-made creation 

**honeybyun** : a satellite launched in cooperation between the us and russian governments 

**honeybyun** : i know it was you jongdae 

**honeybyun** : i am the greatest detective of this century 

**honeybyun** : sherlock holmes can suck my dick

 

**dksoo** : Not one of you are allowed to touch my phone 

**dksoo** : Except Chanyeol 

**dksoo** : Under very special circumstances 

**dksoo** : For example, I’m dying

**dksoo** : There are no other examples

 

**bunmyeon** : you lost me at the cooperation part

 

**yixeep** : what if i was the only person around while you were dying

 

**seokitup** : update: jongdae is now telling king about the horrendous men who littered 

**seokitup** : “their jail time was well deserved” 

**seokitup** : why do i even spend time with him 

**seokitup** : pretty sure sherlock holmes was over a century ago 

 

**yixeep** : you spend time with him because you love him duh 

 

**honeybyun** : wait what about my problem you guys 

 

**niniballerini** : yeah aren’t you dating

 

**seokitup** : no?? 

 

**notsehun** : hold up ur not dating ??//

**notsehun** : baekhyun exposed as thirsty for sherlock holmes 

 

**niniballerini** : what's your problem bub

 

**dksoo** : Then let me die 

**dksoo** : Today i forgot the difference between affect and effect i deserve it 

 

**king_loey** : aww soo it happens to everyone 

**king_loey** : yea omg i thought they were too 

 

**honeybyun** : october 13 is world skeptic’s day and i want to do something special but i don’t know what 

**honeybyun** : i would never thirst for a White Man

**honeybyun** : chris evans is the only exception

 

**jondgay** : We Are Not Dating

**jondgay** : i move we discuss baekhyun’s very important problem 

 

**honeybyun** : i concur

**honeybyun** : i know i’m usually good at coming up with ideas but this time i’m truly lost 

**honeybyun** : omg is this what kyungsoo feels like all the time 

 

**dksoo** : Not all the time 

**dksoo** : But close enough 

**dksoo** : A lot of people have it the exact opposite 

**dksoo** : Lots of ideas but no clue how to execute them 

 

**king_loey** : u shoudl uhhhhhhhh

**king_loey** : omg i jsut remembered i have a paper to finish 

**king_loey** : shit bYE

 

**notsehun** : that ur best friend byun

 

**bunmyeon** : you should do something involving your viewers 

**bunmyeon** : or listeners whatever 

 

**honeybyun** : i don’t claim chanyeol

**honeybyun** : like an invent your own conspiracy theory kinda challenge?? 

 

**niniballerini** : yeah have them send them in and you can pick your favorites to talk about!!

**niniballerini** : i’ll help you pick :):)

 

**bunmyeon** : i like it 

 

**seokitup** : i’ll send something in 

**seokitup** : jongdae do you want to help me think of something 

 

**jondgay** : sounds good 

 

**notsehun** : ga y 

**notsehun** : ill send something in too 

**notsehun** : itll blow u away 

**notsehun** : by its sheer brilliance 

 

**dksoo** : Sheer stupidity, more like 

 

 

it’s not january the first for a while yet, but chanyeol already has a list of resolutions growing in his head. for one, he needs to manage his time better, because the clock is slowly counting down to three in the morning and he still has a quarter of his essay for physics to write. he’s also craving funyuns, which is not a fun combination. 

“do we have apples?” 

he looks up to see kyungsoo, who looks like he’s still half-asleep—there are pillow lines etched into his left cheek and as chanyeol watches his mouth falls open into an impressively big yawn. “apples?” 

“red apples,” kyungsoo answers firmly, heading for the fridge. “red ones.” 

“um,” chanyeol says, setting his pencil down, “we have green apples? but we’re all out of red…” 

kyungsoo makes a small noise of distress. “i need a red apple.” his head is halfway in the fridge, the cool air washing over chanyeol where he’s sitting at the counter. “i can’t write if i don’t eat a red apple.” 

“soo,” chanyeol says, “kyungsoo, baby, are you okay?” (it’s not until he’s on the way back home from the store that he’ll realize what he said, embarrassment and just a little bit of fear rushing through his chest even though kyungsoo hadn’t reacted at all.) 

“no,” kyungsoo says softly. “i’m really… i’m stressed. i’m in this really terrible rut and i’m expecting too much of myself and i can’t fucking  _ write _ , oh my god—” 

“okay,” chanyeol says, sliding down from his seat. he opens his arms, and kyungsoo waddles into them, tucking his head into chanyeol’s chest, under his chin. “i’m gonna go run to the store and get you some red apples, okay? and some funyuns for myself, ‘cause wow i really want some funyuns. just wait here, alright?” and if he presses a kiss to the top of kyungsoo’s head then so what—it’s three in the morning and they’re both tired and chanyeol is in love. 

when he gets back, kyungsoo accepts the apple he’s handed without a word, and leaves for their room with nothing but a smile. chanyeol shrugs, used to kyungsoo’s late-night writer eccentricities, and gets back to working on his paper only to find it covered in red marks where kyungsoo had made grammatical corrections or written little suggestions into the margins. 

 

 

“we have a big problem,” jongdae says, reaching around chanyeol for his toothbrush. “actually, it’s more your problem. and i wash my hands of it. you honestly should’ve just told him the truth in the first place, and then you wouldn’t be in this awkward situation… sometimes baekhyun’s right, you know?” 

“i have no idea what you’re talking about,” chanyeol says. “i’m lost. enlighten me.” 

“you know yeonhee?” jongdae says. “your weird stalker twitter not-oomf?” he pronounces oomf like  _ oomph _ . chanyeol stares at him. 

“yes, i’m well aware of who she is,” chanyeol says. “that stuff’s over with. she stopped bothering me once i gave her ‘proof’ i’m gay and taken.” 

“not so much,” jongdae says. “today i was in chem having the time of my life when suddenly our prof tells us we’ve got a new student. guess who it is.” 

the realization slowly dawns on chanyeol, along with a feeling of abject horror. “no…” 

“yup,” jongdae says solemnly. “so now it’s a lot more real. i mean, in my opinion, you should just avoid her like the plague and maybe finally start dating someone for real—for example, kyungsoo—in case she spots you anyhow and starts sniffing around. or you could do something stupid like somehow convince kyungsoo to continue with your charade while bottling up your real feelings for him and oh my god that’s totally what you’re going to do, aren’t you?” 

 

 

**honeybyun** : just tell him

**honeybyun** : also guess what i got an entry from someone claiming that amelia earhart and lucille ball are the same person 

 

**king_loey** : how is that even remotely possible 

 

**honeybyun** : idk but they’re pretty convincing

**honeybyun** : why do you keep asking me for help if you’re not going to take my advice 

 

**king_loey** : how am i supposed to jsut

**king_loey** : tell him 

**king_loey** : turns out yeonhee now goes to our college btw im in love with u ???

 

**honeybyun** : so you think going “remember when i asked you to be my fake boyfriend and you said yes bc it was a twitter thing instead of an irl thing but now yeonhee is actually a Real Life Person who lives near us and i kinda need you to keep being my fake boyfriend but for real this time” is easier? 

**honeybyun** : seriously chanyeol idk why you think he’s going to rip your face off if you tell him the truth 

**honeybyun** : he’s clearly very fond of you 

**honeybyun** : we’re all fond of you 

**honeybyun** : hell if you told me today you’ve been in love with me for months i would politely decline but i wouldn’t idk tell you to go to hell and never speak to you again 

**honeybyun** : and i know you love him a lot 

**honeybyun** : i’m not kidding it gets kind of annoying how you’re always bringing him up when Literally No One Asked 

**honeybyun** : so my expert opinion is that even if he doesn’t return your feelings you’ll be upset about it for a little while but you wouldn’t ever let that get in the way of your friendship with him 

**honeybyun** : i love you chanyeol 

**honeybyun** : so does kyungsoo 

**honeybyun** : and i doubt that’s something that’ll change so easily 

 

**king_loey** : wow u just 

**king_loey** : made me cry a little 

 

**honeybyun** : HAHHAAH you’re an overemotional babY 

 

**king_loey** : i love u too :( 

**king_loey** : itsjust kinda scary and im kind of a coward 

**king_loey** : i promise u ill do my best 

 

**honeybyun** : great you better let me know how it goes 

**honeybyun** : now can you buy me some strawberries because we’re out and that makes me sad 

 

 

“kyungsoo?” 

“hold this,” kyungsoo says, handing chanyeol his water bottle and taking a deep breath. “i read an article online that said handstands do wonders for writer’s block.” 

“where’d you read that? reddit?” 

“just one problem,” kyungsoo says. “i can’t do a handstand. or a cartwheel; that was the second option.” 

“kyungsoo, this is important,” chanyeol says, and kyungsoo finally turns around to look him in the face. his knees go weak, but he promised baekhyun he’d do his best and so his best he shall do. “okay, so, remember when i asked you to do me that favor?” 

“you mean pretend to be your boyfriend? why are you talking about it like you asked me to do something illegal?”  

“yeah, can we—can we sit down?” 

“why do you look so nervous?” kyungsoo takes his bottle back, taking a deep swig of water. “it’s just me.” 

“um?” chanyeol says. “well, this is… kind of—it’s kind of hard for me to say, because i’ve been keeping it a secret for so long, a-and that’s mostly because i was scared and recently my friends made me realize that i was stupid to be scared, so i’m… i’m gonna say it.” he sucks in a breath. “yeonhee, um, she’s—well, she’s here.” 

“what do you mean here?” kyungsoo’s face is unreadable, his hands still around the water bottle. 

“i mean jongdae saw her in his chem class the other day here,” chanyeol says. “she transferred here about a week ago, apparently, which is crazy because i didn’t even know she lived in this country—but that’s not the point.” 

“are you asking me to—”

“no,” chanyeol says, fidgeting. “i’m not… i’m not going to ask you to pretend to be my boyfriend in real life too.” he feels kind of lightheaded—it’s always so much easier to read about confession scenes, or to watch them, totally detached from the actual nervousness and terror the person feels. but now it’s real, and kyungsoo’s sitting right in front of him, his kyungsoo with his off-hand comments and his bright smiles and his no-nonsense demeanor. “i want you to be my boyfriend, period.” 

kyungsoo’s mouth falls open into an ‘o.’ “i’m sorry… what?” 

“i love you?” chanyeol says. “i-i’ve actually loved you for a while, now, so i’m asking you if you… you know, if you feel the same way. and it’s okay if you don’t and i’m not going to let it get in the way of our friendship—baekhyun was right, damn him, i’ll get over it—” 

“you love me?” kyungsoo asks, voice near whisper. for once, he looks at a loss, like he’s been faced with a plot twist he hadn’t ever planned on writing. “for real?” 

“of course it’s real, of course it’s not one giant practical joke,” chanyeol says hurriedly, “and i’m sorry i didn’t tell you sooner? remember when you asked me why i picked you out of all my choices? well, this is why.” 

“because you love me,” kyungsoo says. “holy shit, i… you  _ love _ me?” 

“soo, you’re killing me,” chanyeol says, faint. “can you just answer my question?” 

“god,” kyungsoo says, and bursts out laughing. 

chanyeol is bewildered. “what? why are you—what’s so  _ funny _ ?” 

“character a and character b got together after all,” kyungsoo says, scooting closer to chanyeol. “yes, you giant dumbass, of course i’ll be your actual, true, authentic boyfriend—”

“but,” chanyeol says, gaping. 

“but?” kyungsoo leans back, raising an eyebrow. 

“where’s the plot twist?” chanyeol asks. “where’s the… the miscommunication? the angst?” 

“don’t you think you’ve angsted enough?” kyungsoo says, eyes crinkling. “are you sure you gave up fanfic? you asked me to be your boyfriend, and i said yes, because i think you’re cute and funny and smart—if you start crying i’ll punch you chanyeol, i’m not even kidding—” 

“i’m not  _ crying _ ,” chanyeol says, furiously swiping at his face. “oh my god.” 

“come here,” kyungsoo says, and chanyeol falls willingly into his open arms. kyungsoo’s head fits on chanyeol’s shoulder like it was meant to be there—and maybe it was. “can i kiss you now?” 

“oh my  _ god _ ,” chanyeol says, or something along those lines. his mind’s never been this blank before, not even when he walked into a physics test junior year and looked down at the questions and realized he hadn’t the slightest idea how to solve any of them. “is this real? am i dreaming? is this a hallucination? are you even real?” 

“i’m pretty sure i’m r—oh,” kyungsoo says, eyes widening. he kisses the side of chanyeol’s nose, quick. “rain check on the makeout?” 

“what? where are you going?” 

“think you finally pulled me out of that writer’s block!” 

 

 

**honeybyun** : couple ground rules 

**honeybyun** : one 

**honeybyun** : no pda 

**honeybyun** : okay that’s all i got 

 

**jondgay** : agreed 

 

**dksoo** : Hey what if Chanyeol and I just move out

 

**king_loey** : yea im cool with that 

 

**honeybyun** : NO 

**honeybyun** : NEITHER JONGDAE NOR I CAN COOK

**honeybyun** : WE’LL POISON OURSELVES 

**honeybyun** : OUR DEATHS WILL BE ON YOUR HANDS

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> are you even a fic author if you don't write at least one fake dating au (ish)
> 
> this was inspired by a (kind of) true story lmao my lovely oomf asked me to be her fake twitter girlfriend and i realized it was perfect for chansoo!! chanyeol’s username is a reference to my jeonbaek fic if you get it kudos to you (no pun intended) :-) also yixing is 100% in love with cai xukun and i don't blame him in the slightest. and don't tell anyone but i have burnt chocolate chips in the microwave before i promise i am smarter than baekhyun (yes i can boil water) 
> 
> thank you always for reading !!


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